The Pharmacy(tm)

It took me a while to figure it out, but now I think I finally realized who I had dealt with all those years ago. Although I no longer touch base with the person I’m referring to, those who know me probably already know who I am referring to, especially once I’m through describing traits. Just for integrity’s sake and a little fun, I’ll leave gender ambigious because that would really be a dead giveaway.

The person I am describing is someone I used to have a lot of dealings with, on a personal and professional basis. We had a lot of common ground to cover, and worked together or as part of the same group on a number of things. As far as I can remember, we were a part of each others’ lives, in the sense that we had dealings with each other on a daily basis.

Once upon a time this person actually relied on my advice to do something, and I encouraged this person to pursue a particular goal, not to impress anyone for anyone else’s benefit but that person’s. At the time, this person was suffering from a slight bout of low self-esteem, but after that episode which involved my little advice, this individual made a striking 180-degree turnaround. Unfortunately, the price for this person’s epiphany was that the person practically became a pain in the ass of everyone else.

In the years that followed, I would have my disagreements with this person on pretty much everything, but at those time I merely chalked it up to stress or perhaps the intermittent crises of the moment that we both faced. Sometimes I also wondered if the cause for the quarrels I had with this person was me–or some ignorance or omission on my part.

Of course, I was probably ignoring the obvious: because it wasn’t just me having quarrels with this person, but nearly everyone else had a bone to pick at various junctures. Being the self-introspecting person that I am, I would always try to check my own faults before the other’s. Now I know better. I realize now that the problem wasn’t me or everyone else. The root of the conflict lay in the person in question.

We were dealing with a narcissist.

Fortunately I was able to read up recently on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and I will share with you some of the insights from that site here to give you an idea of the person we have all been dealing with. All these traits and observations come from the website linked above.

How To Recognize A Narcissist

1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Translation: Grandiosity is the hallmark of narcissism. So what is grandiose?

The simplest everyday way that narcissists show their exaggerated sense of self-importance is by talking about family, work, life in general as if there is nobody else in the picture.

2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Translation: Narcissists cultivate solipsistic or “autistic” fantasies, which is to say that they live in their own little worlds (and react with affront when reality dares to intrude).

3. Believes he is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Translation: Narcissists think that everyone who is not special and superior is worthless. By definition, normal, ordinary, and average aren’t special and superior, and so, to narcissists, they are worthless.

4. Requires excessive admiration

Translation: Excessive in two ways: they want praise, compliments, deference, and expressions of envy all the time, and they want to be told that everything they do is better than what others can do. Sincerity is not an issue here; all that matter are frequency and volume.

5. Has a sense of entitlement

Translation: They expect automatic compliance with their wishes or especially favorable treatment, such as thinking that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they’re doing to do what the narcissists want, and may react with hurt or rage when these expectations are frustrated.

6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends

Translation: Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the other people.

7. Lacks empathy

Translation: They are unwilling to recognize or sympathize with other people’s feelings and needs. They “tune out” when other people want to talk about their own problems.

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him

Translation: No translation needed.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes

Translation: They treat other people like dirt. 

I wonder if people already know who I’m talking about. But anyway, the related literature also list some traits and situations that arise when dealing with a narcissist:

1. The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. When you ask them which one they mean, they’ll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it — really, how could you think they’d ever have said that?
2. you get into disputes with narcissists over their casual dishonesty and cruelty to other people. Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.
3. Narcissists lack a mature conscience and seem to be restrained only by fear of being punished or of damaging their reputations.
4. Narcissists are envious and competitive in ways that are hard to understand.
5. Narcissists are generally contemptuous of others. This seems to spring, at base, from their general lack of empathy, and it comes out as (at best) a dismissive attitude towards other people’s feelings, wishes, needs, concerns, standards, property, work, etc.
6. Narcissists are (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people. And they criticize, gripe, and complain about almost everything and almost everyone almost all the time
7. Narcissists are hostile and ferocious in reaction, but they are generally passive and lacking in initiative.
8. Narcissists are naive and vulnerable, pathetic really, no matter how arrogant and forceful their words or demeanor
9. Narcissists are grandiose. They live in an artificial self invented from fantasies of absolute or perfect power, genius, beauty, etc.
10. Narcissists have little sense of humor. They don’t get jokes, not even the funny papers or simple riddles, and they don’t make jokes, except for sarcastic cracks and the lamest puns.
11. Narcissists have a weird sense of time.
12. Narcissists are totally and inflexibly authoritarian. In other words, they are suck-ups. They want to be authority figures and, short of that, they want to be associated with authority figures.
13. Narcissists have strange work habits.
14. Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take.
15. Some narcissists spend extravagantly in order to impress people, keep up grandiose pretentions, or buy favorable treatment.  Narcissists are stingy, mean, frugal, niggardly to the point of eccentricity.
16. Appearances are all there is with narcissists — and their self-hatred knows no bounds.
17. It’s very hard to have a simple, uncomplicated good time with a narcissist.
18. Narcissists don’t volunteer the usual personal information about themselves, so they may seem secretive or perhaps unusually reserved or very jealous of their privacy.
19. Narcissists not only don’t recognize the feelings and autonomy of others, they don’t recognize their own feelings as their own.
20. Narcissists are noted for their negative, pessimistic, cynical, or gloomy outlook on life.
21. Narcissists are impulsive. They undo themselves by behavior that seems oddly stupid for people as intelligent as they are.
22. Narcissists hate to live alone. Their inner resources are skimpy, static, and sterile, nothing interesting or attractive going on in their hearts and minds, so they don’t want to be stuck with themselves.

Anyway, I think I’ve illustrated the point well enough. The sad part about dealing with narcissists is that according to the website, in most cases, they are probably hopelessly beyond help.

it’s possible to get along with narcissists, but it’s probably not worth bothering with.

Good thing I haven’t been talking to this person in a while. It was probably for the best. To the rest of you who still have contact with such persons, all I can say is: good luck and try to stay alive.