Living A Purpose August 17, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in Quotables.Tags: Christianity, culture, happiness, leadership, life, religion, Rick Warren, ted
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Finding the meaning of life is a life changing experience. And in truth, it goes beyond religion. Here’s Rick Warren talking in TED about living a life of purpose.
Rick Warren is a pastor, philanthropist, and the author of the bestselling book The Purpose Driven Life. He made a lot of money when his book became very popular, and Rick shares in this talk how his reflection on life was changed by tremendous wealth, affluence, and attention. He relates this to his search to the antidote of spiritual emptiness.
Good talk for everyone looking for the meaning of life.
Fellow Blogger on NPD July 21, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in Quotables.Tags: blog, disorder, life, narcissist, NPD, personality, selfish
1 comment so far
alwaysjan, whom I first encounted when I posted about Narcissism, has a blog named Planet Jan. She also has a post about NPD that’s worth a look.
For me, NPD is the silent emotional killer of our times. Beware of narcissists everywhere. If they happen to be your loved ones, doubly so.
Thanks Jan for your insights.
Cognitive Dissonance: Part 7 – Waiting On Fate June 11, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in Cognitive Dissonance.Tags: beliefs, blame, destiny, family, fatalistic, fate, life, regrets, religion
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It has been a reflection of mine quite lately that for those with a true religion to speak of, their lives can be a little more comforting compared to mine. Over breakfast recently with my mother, she shared with me one possible regret of hers that if she had her whole life to do again she would change. I mentioned already that my mother once worked for the United Nations, and was assigned in Thailand as an expat officer. During her stint there she was given an offer to continue her social work for the U.N. but based in Vienna. This move would obviously entail uprooting our family–Thailand was still close enough to Manila, but Europe was a totally different matter altogether.
She thought long and hard about that offer, but ended up declining it, and cited her bottomline reason for doing so: family. Firstly, her parents. My mother was an only child herself, and her parents (my grandparents) lived with us in Manila–and at the time the job offer was made, both her parents were already pushing 80 years and although still ambulatory, were getting sick more often as is common with old age. Being assigned in Vienna, she could bring her children and her spouse, but there was no immediate accomodation for her parents. And being an only child, she feared being far from her parents at the twilight of their years.
As it turned out, my grandparents lived another 10 years after her decision to stay before they finally passed away.
Second, her children. Although we would have ended up being schooled in Vienna, work at the U.N. didn’t exactly form the definition of “free time with the kids”. We all knew that she would have a hectic schedule, which meant we would be growing up, albeit expat kids–but still mostly unsupervised. It was my own grandmother who cautioned my mother about the potential dangers of rearing unsupervised children in a very comfortable setting (read: spoiled).
Finally, her spouse. My own father was a lawyer and was working as a senior officer in Philippine Airlines at the time. His access to first class travel and my mother’s need to go around the world meant we would be jetsetters (and we were already having back-to-back trips to Thailand). However, this worked for a Manila-Bangkok arrangement, but not for Vienna. If we were going to Europe, my father would either have to remain in Manila, separated from us, or come along to Vienna, but as my mother’s dependent (there was little a Philippine lawyer can apply in a European setting). This last bit was the proverbial dealbreaker. My mother worried about the psychological trauma that would cause my dad–effectively reversing the gender roles–and that idea nailed the coffin shut.
Now, almost 20 years later, my mother said that she had no regrets about how things turned out nonetheless. We were all still able to school at the finest Philippine unversities, she was able to bury her parents gracefully, and she continues to have a loving relationship with my father.
I saw things a little differently. It was easy to fall in a smug acceptance of things, and chalk it up to fate (i.e. she was fated to decline that job offer, if only to see her family through), because she looked at it in 20/20 hindsight–and the worst kind of hindsight at that: that which only considers the possible negative effects that she had foregone by her decision. No mention is made about how our lives would have become better had she taken the offer.
It’s probably not an intentional slip on her part, as much as it was a psychologically comforting one. Having avoiding a loss feels so much better to entertain than the notion of having avoided an opportunity. But just thinking about it, it doesn’t make sense to imagine that the bad things were more likely to have happened compared to good things.
No regrets–is such a comfortable and convenient phrase, but it really means no thoughts. We’d rather not think about the better lives we could have lived–because to do so would have dramatic dissonance on our own self-esteem. Who wants to say that they’ve intentionally made their lives less attractive?
There’s also the “sunk cost” lingering there. For my mother, the job she gave up to rear her children was a cost–in both career, money, and self-esteem–that it made sense for her to think that she had given up that cost for something more valuable: better family life, good kids, happy husband, enriched parents. There’s also a little element of destiny involved–that which gives us almost certainty that we’re doing the right thing after all.
Which brings me back to my earlier comment: those with a real religion–whether it’s an actual organized religion, or a simple belief in fate and destiny–will find life more comfortable, simply because they are “meant” to do so. They won’t entertain how much better life could have been if things were any different. At the most mild cases (perhaps like say, my mother) it’s simply an emotional crutch to bridge the cost that she sacrificed, but at the most extreme cases this belief can breed deep complacency about things–being fatalistic and resigned to one’s existence.
My life is anything but fatalistic. I’ve had and continue to have my share of challenges, but I attribute my successes and failures solely to myself and my decisions. Although the world continues to evolve around me, I don’t blame fate or destiny for my problems insomuch as I blame my own efforts (or lack of). This can make life very cruel to people like me.
However it isn’t all one-sided. I also am saved from trying to ponder destiny, explaining God’s mysterious ways, or relying on fortunes and prophecies to guide me. But this is a pyrrhic benefit, until perhaps the final reward for my efforts, which I refuse to acknowledge openly lest I fall into a false sense of entitlement (ah but the temptation is strong).
Henry Drummond’s quote sums up my sentiments succinctly:
“Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never do all that he can.”
But not having a fate to blame but yourself does suck sometimes.
Cognitive Dissonance – Part 4: Selective Amnesia May 24, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in Cognitive Dissonance.Tags: amnesia, depression, famine, life, Pulitzer Prize, suffering
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I added a fresh new section in Image Therapy about Famine. Although the pictures are graphic, we have to admit that the topic of famine is somewhat of a cliche.
We have to wonder why this is the case.
Have we shut our minds collectively to the reality of these occurrences as a convenient defense mechanism?
If you’re an internet user, there’s probably a 99% chance you don’t see images of famine in your immediate surroundings. The odds are good that you’re located in a place of relative plenty, with enough food, energy, shelter, and airconditioning to make your life sweet and liveable.
How would you react if you suddenly saw an image of suffering face to face?
One of the images I posted in the famine section won the Pulitzer Prize, likely due to the shock value of the photograph.
However for the photographer who took the photo, the glory was immaterial. He entered a severe fit of depression and ultimately ended his own life shortly after.
Cognitive dissonance has a way of doing this to people.
NPD Feedback May 18, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in Feedback.Tags: disorder, Feedback, life, narcissist, NPD
2 comments
I wrote about Narcissistic Personality Disorder a while back, and some feedback came in today:
always jan writes:
I’m in the process of setting up my own blog, planetjan. One of the topics I’d like to blog on is NPD. Your site provides lots of great information. I worked with and was close to someone who has NPD at my school. I’m curious if you’ve had any “fallout.” You don’t mention the person by name or gender, but it’s clear that people who know you, will know who you’re talking about.
First I’d like to wish alwaysjan the best on her upcoming blog. NPD is such a rich and fascinating topic, because it’s a disorder that goes undiagnosed and untreated but we are surrounded by many such individuals exhibiting these signs on various intensities, but we don’t realise this early enough and we find ourselves troubled grappling with our relationship to such people.
For me, having read about NPD was such an eye-opener since upon hindsight, there have been many people in my life who have shown symptoms of NPD. But as the original website clarifies, most of us will have NPD tendencies however it is the extreme cases which we should be wary about.
For me, now that you mentioned falling out with someone, in reality it wouldn’t be giving anything away for me to say that I was actually writing about two people in my life who upon later reflection I would brand as textbook cases of NPD.
I met both of them at different periods in my life, the first at a much younger era (before and early in my working life) and the second much later.
To share a brief history on both of them: the first person I remember distinctly started very insecure but later due to an assumption of a key responsibility became very arrogant and bossy–during which time the other characteristics of NPD manifested. The person became a whiner on everything and I found myself in those days having a lot of difficulty managing my relationship with this person because of numerous conflicts.
The second person was also insecure but what I remember most was the person’s penchant for gossip and double-talk. The person had a colorful family history and would share things to get you to become a confidant, while sharing your own secrets to other people. The person as a result would later alienate a lot of people with this habit but is somehow able to manipulate more and more people and gain their trust.
This might be giving some detail away, but is key to my response: although I claim to never having any sort of romantic relationship with these persons, both have on different occasions, admitted to other people that they had feelings for me–which I would later learn from other people, and complicated my understanding of them for some time. Now I can wager that those “feelings” they had for me were more a manifestation of their NPD than any real affection.
The acid tests were the results: if these people had any real love for me, how come I cannot think of any benefit I had from my dealings with them. If anything these people had cost me dearly in terms of reputation, finances, trust, and emotions.
Also I wondered myself how come I never entertained any reciprocal affection or even attraction to them. It now makes sense that it could never happen–because the love they claimed were just an expression of their fantasy. The persons they were really in love with, were themselves.
I don’t regret not having anything to do with these people nowadays. It saddened me for a while to realise this, but as you get older you come to accept that some bridges have to remain burned for good–because they lead absolutely nowhere.
Making Amends May 3, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in Reflections.Tags: amends, forgiveness, hurts, life, movies, sins
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In the movie Levity, Billy Bob Thornton’s character: a convicted murderer whose sentence was shortened after spending 23 years in prison, shares a short formula for forgiveness:
- You must acknowledge what you did.
- You must feel remorse.
- You make amends to the person you wronged.
- You make amends to God.
- You must be put in the same situation and do something different.
It’s a straightforward list, but by no means an easy one. It’s probably another one of those strange coincidences that I hear about Thornton’s list while I was cleaning email, and I spot some really old correspondences with someone from a past relationship.
For me reading those old emails was a bit jarring because they detailed a painful time for me. These emails were written by someone I had hurt deeply. And what was especially poignant about this was that the emotions that accompanied those times came back suddenly.
It’s not a pleasant sensation, knowing you have done wrong to someone. And although the email I was reading was six years ago (could have been a decade), the sour taste of those times could have been just yesterday.
In hindsight, it might have been indicative at least of some maturity on my part, that at the time I read those emails, my first instinct was not to deny or cover-up for my mistake, but how to make up for it. I desperately wanted to restore things and make things whole again, but you have that sinking feeling in your stomach that whatever damage has been done has been done beyond repair.
The point of no return. Scariest shit I ever knew that it sometimes wakes me up at night even now.
Going back to Thornton’s list, I think I’ve done 1 and 2. But the other 3 are quite a stretch.
For transgressors like me, we go to sleep at night hoping sometimes that given enough time, people are made whole on their own. And past sins can be washed away like writings on a beach blown by the tides.
But we know they will always be there. Forgotten possibly.
Forgiven, never.
Ninja Parties April 28, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in True Stories.Tags: Casual, fraud, fubu, FWB, FWP, life, ninja, one night stand, party, relationships, sex
2 comments
An small line in a news website, so obscure, you almost miss it:
Did you know 2: Demand for ninja (Japanese assassin) masks is very much in demand, particularly among the college and young working adults crowd.
The idea here is to hold ninja parties, where invited guests (dressed in all black, of course, can link up and, well, do their thing without the possible morning-after embarrassment. Real names are optional.
Secretly held, albeit civilized, indiscretions have been in urban legends and grapevines since the Middle Ages. Although the shock value has lessened over the decades, especially in today’s “knowledgable” societies, the intrigue value doesn’t seem to falter.
Just on the radio last week, Magic 89.9 ran a short segment on “true confessions” whereby callers would dial-in, give a fake name, and then disclose their dastardly deeds. One particularly sober caller was a guy who confessed he had at least four relationships with married women–although he did qualify that on two of the four occasions, he was unaware of his paramour’s attachments at the time he began the relationships.
Anyway, what was intriguing was not his liaisons with married women per se, it was a term he used when he described his most recent fling: that he met this girl at work (he’s a call center employee) and started it as a “fu-bu” kind of thing first, then got serious later.
Fu-bu?
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this stands for “fuck buddy”, a more modernized version of “FF” a decade ago, and the traditional ”lover” of old times. Also known as Friends With Benefits (FWB), Friends With Privileges (FWP), or just simply Casual. The call center population has not by any means the monopoly on such setups, although I might hazard a guess that the oblique work schedules, general isolation in the workplace (being patched to a telephone), and exposure to western ideas and culture (notably American) has contributed to the prevalence of fu-bu, ninja parties, and similar secret indiscretions nowadays.
When I was a college intern at Citibank, I remember walking into the office early one day and spotting some not-so-professional probably-not-work kind of meeting going on at a far cubicle between two officers, who I was to learn later, were both separately married. Years later, while I worked as a gopher for another commercial bank, thoughts of that episode would come to mind on at least several occasions, which make for short colorful anecdotes:
- On an as yet barely furnished floor of a newly opened commercial building, two employees were caught by the nightwatchman conducting a very different kind of overtime behind some ramshackle monobloc tables and chairs. This was before night shift became en vogue due to the prevalence of foreign call centers. Both employees were male staff of a collections department.
- A blind item appears on a corporate FAQ and complaints page, allegedly written by a newly hired male call center collector (no relation to the two male buddies earlier). He was writing about his immediate boss, who was being very “friendly” with all the new male staff, especially (as the writer alleges) the taller hires. The friendliness gets uncomfortably physical during coaching sessions as the officer has the penchant of giving his male staff a friendly shoulder massage and pat on the arm during coaching. The situation comes to a head, which prompts the collector to post the item, when the officer requires all his male recruits to join him at a gym and spa session as a teambuilding exercise. To replace the usual early morning powow, all staff were to report to the men’s washroom for “debriefing.”
- A puzzled customer makes places an interesting complaint. He had received in the mail the third month billing statement of his credit card, which shows some mild usage, but all charges and balances are settled within the same month. Nothing special except that the customer never received his card, having cancelled his application months ago. Despite this, he had been receiving these weird statements, but paid them no mind since the ending balances of the statements were always zero. However, given the repeat occurences and growing number of transactions (some of which are at questionable establishments), he finally decided to call the card company to get to the bottom of it. The client’s complaint finds its way to the fraud department, which concludes that some form of insider fraud was taking place–since the card was indeed live in the company’s system but who was using it was unknown. They decide to monitor the card’s transactions for the next few weeks and plan an elaborate sting operation. One night, as the card registers usage at an famous motel just a few minutes away from the offices, the fraud department snaps to action. They quickly make their way to the establishment, and catch the familiar plate of a female employee’s car exiting the place. The next day they summon the girl to question her activities and learn later that she was at home the whole night, and it was her boyfriend, who was also a co-employee, who borrowed her car that night. Upon confrontation, the guy, who worked at the company’s call center, admitted that he was the one who intercepted the client’s call to cancel the card, but already knew that the card was already open for use. He arranged for the card to be delivered to him and began using it, but faithfully paid the bill before due date. Unfortunately, he was not as faithful to his girlfriend, as he evidently had someone else (presumably a girl) in tow that night.
- I receive an interesting SMS from a distraught colleague: “Find me a one-night stand. Anyone around our age. Preferrably someone attractive. Please I need this.”
When I finally heard that live confession on radio it seems to finally come full circle seeing those two officers in Citibank once upon a time. I suddenly realize the turbulence of our lives, and how, on a truly macro scale, all our lives bump into each other in seemingly random directions. In betwixt all this turbulence, we all make attempts to bridge our individual frailties: to get the upside without the downside, the sex without the love, the benefit without the cost.
And finally end up paying a larger cost in the end? Or maybe not.
The shortest distance between two points is not a straight line it seems. May we all toe that line carefully and navigate our lives well.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder April 27, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in True Stories.Tags: disorder, life, narcissist, NPD, personality, selfish
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It took me a while to figure it out, but now I think I finally realized who I had dealt with all those years ago. Although I no longer touch base with the person I’m referring to, those who know me probably already know who I am referring to, especially once I’m through describing traits. Just for integrity’s sake and a little fun, I’ll leave gender ambigious because that would really be a dead giveaway.
The person I am describing is someone I used to have a lot of dealings with, on a personal and professional basis. We had a lot of common ground to cover, and worked together or as part of the same group on a number of things. As far as I can remember, we were a part of each others’ lives, in the sense that we had dealings with each other on a daily basis.
Once upon a time this person actually relied on my advice to do something, and I encouraged this person to pursue a particular goal, not to impress anyone for anyone else’s benefit but that person’s. At the time, this person was suffering from a slight bout of low self-esteem, but after that episode which involved my little advice, this individual made a striking 180-degree turnaround. Unfortunately, the price for this person’s epiphany was that the person practically became a pain in the ass of everyone else.
In the years that followed, I would have my disagreements with this person on pretty much everything, but at those time I merely chalked it up to stress or perhaps the intermittent crises of the moment that we both faced. Sometimes I also wondered if the cause for the quarrels I had with this person was me–or some ignorance or omission on my part.
Of course, I was probably ignoring the obvious: because it wasn’t just me having quarrels with this person, but nearly everyone else had a bone to pick at various junctures. Being the self-introspecting person that I am, I would always try to check my own faults before the other’s. Now I know better. I realize now that the problem wasn’t me or everyone else. The root of the conflict lay in the person in question.
We were dealing with a narcissist.
Fortunately I was able to read up recently on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and I will share with you some of the insights from that site here to give you an idea of the person we have all been dealing with. All these traits and observations come from the website linked above.
How To Recognize A Narcissist
1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Translation: Grandiosity is the hallmark of narcissism. So what is grandiose?
The simplest everyday way that narcissists show their exaggerated sense of self-importance is by talking about family, work, life in general as if there is nobody else in the picture.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Translation: Narcissists cultivate solipsistic or “autistic” fantasies, which is to say that they live in their own little worlds (and react with affront when reality dares to intrude).
3. Believes he is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Translation: Narcissists think that everyone who is not special and superior is worthless. By definition, normal, ordinary, and average aren’t special and superior, and so, to narcissists, they are worthless.
4. Requires excessive admiration
Translation: Excessive in two ways: they want praise, compliments, deference, and expressions of envy all the time, and they want to be told that everything they do is better than what others can do. Sincerity is not an issue here; all that matter are frequency and volume.
5. Has a sense of entitlement
Translation: They expect automatic compliance with their wishes or especially favorable treatment, such as thinking that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they’re doing to do what the narcissists want, and may react with hurt or rage when these expectations are frustrated.
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
Translation: Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the other people.
7. Lacks empathy
Translation: They are unwilling to recognize or sympathize with other people’s feelings and needs. They “tune out” when other people want to talk about their own problems.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
Translation: No translation needed.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes
Translation: They treat other people like dirt.
I wonder if people already know who I’m talking about. But anyway, the related literature also list some traits and situations that arise when dealing with a narcissist:
- The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. When you ask them which one they mean, they’ll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it — really, how could you think they’d ever have said that?
- you get into disputes with narcissists over their casual dishonesty and cruelty to other people. Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.
- Narcissists lack a mature conscience and seem to be restrained only by fear of being punished or of damaging their reputations.
- Narcissists are envious and competitive in ways that are hard to understand.
- Narcissists are generally contemptuous of others. This seems to spring, at base, from their general lack of empathy, and it comes out as (at best) a dismissive attitude towards other people’s feelings, wishes, needs, concerns, standards, property, work, etc.
- Narcissists are (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people. And they criticize, gripe, and complain about almost everything and almost everyone almost all the time
- Narcissists are hostile and ferocious in reaction, but they are generally passive and lacking in initiative.
- Narcissists are naive and vulnerable, pathetic really, no matter how arrogant and forceful their words or demeanor
- Narcissists are grandiose. They live in an artificial self invented from fantasies of absolute or perfect power, genius, beauty, etc.
- Narcissists have little sense of humor. They don’t get jokes, not even the funny papers or simple riddles, and they don’t make jokes, except for sarcastic cracks and the lamest puns.
- Narcissists have a weird sense of time.
- Narcissists are totally and inflexibly authoritarian. In other words, they are suck-ups. They want to be authority figures and, short of that, they want to be associated with authority figures.
- Narcissists have strange work habits.
- Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take.
- Some narcissists spend extravagantly in order to impress people, keep up grandiose pretentions, or buy favorable treatment. Narcissists are stingy, mean, frugal, niggardly to the point of eccentricity.
- Appearances are all there is with narcissists — and their self-hatred knows no bounds.
- It’s very hard to have a simple, uncomplicated good time with a narcissist.
- Narcissists don’t volunteer the usual personal information about themselves, so they may seem secretive or perhaps unusually reserved or very jealous of their privacy.
- Narcissists not only don’t recognize the feelings and autonomy of others, they don’t recognize their own feelings as their own.
- Narcissists are noted for their negative, pessimistic, cynical, or gloomy outlook on life.
- Narcissists are impulsive. They undo themselves by behavior that seems oddly stupid for people as intelligent as they are.
- Narcissists hate to live alone. Their inner resources are skimpy, static, and sterile, nothing interesting or attractive going on in their hearts and minds, so they don’t want to be stuck with themselves.
Anyway, I think I’ve illustrated the point well enough. The sad part about dealing with narcissists is that according to the website, in most cases, they are probably hopelessly beyond help.
it’s possible to get along with narcissists, but it’s probably not worth bothering with.
Good thing I haven’t been talking to this person in a while. It was probably for the best. To the rest of you who still have contact with such persons, all I can say is: good luck and try to stay alive.
Destinations April 22, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in Quotables.Tags: destination, holland, italy, journey, life, phenomenon, traveling, travolta
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In the movie, Phenomenon, John Travolta’s character: George Mailey–gets hit by an epiphany, and suddenly becomes profound. One of his timeless remarks in the movie is:
“Everything is on its way to somewhere.”
We speak of life often in the same manner as traveling. A life’s journey. One with a definite port of origin and a destination. True to this framework, I’d like to share an anecdote I received by email today. It was sent by a friend of a friend, whose life was deeply touched by this story, as it relates to her own personal situation: as a mother of a child with disability.
I find this story apropo for people who are mulling over their crossroads in life, which is incidentally true for many of my peers (specifically in the late twenties-early thirties demographic).
+++++++++++++++++++++
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.
Phone Call April 9, 2008
Posted by Mark T. Market in Conversations.Tags: life, phone
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The phone was ringing for nearly two minutes when she answered it.
“Hello?”
“Shar? It’s Ben.”
“Ben? What’s up? Do you realize it’s nearly three a.m.–”
“I’m sorry. I was just thinking about what you said.”
“I haven’t spoken to you Ben.”
“I know I know, but you remember that time in the office? It was around eleven that night. I was finishing up, and you were still in.”
“I don’t believe this. Ben, that was almost three years ag–”
“No permanent friends.”
“No permanent enemies too, Ben.”
“Yes, that’s right. You were right Shar.”
“Did you call me up at three in the morning to tell me that, Ben?”
“Remember when I told you about me. That night at the bar? It was a bit noisy, but we found a good spot. Jimmy Bondoc was playing. Or was it Luke Mejares?”
“The sexy backup dancer?”
“Yes, that’s it, two of them–”
“Jesus, Ben. That was even longer. Maybe four years?”
“Is your life flashing before your eyes, Shar?”
“Ben, are you going crazy?”
“No. Remember what I said?”
“What?!”
“Bringing me there. Life brought me there.”
“Something like that. I don’t really remember.”
“Life’s bringing me elsewhere, Shar. Tomorrow.”
“You mean today?”
“Yes. I just wanted to call you. To hear your voice. It’s been very long. I needed to know.”
“Know what, Ben?”
“That you remember, Shar.”
“Can we go to sleep now Ben? I can barely understand what you said.”
“OK. Thanks Shar. No permanent friends, Shar. No permanent enemies.”
“Bye Ben. Good morning.”
“Bye Shar. Good night.”
Sharon stared at the now quiet phone for what seemed like a long time before sleepiness caught up with her once again.
In reality it was just five minutes when she succumbed.
Damn you Ben was her last thought, before sleep finally consumed her.
